Monday, June 30, 2008

Some Words on Females

I realized I said a whole lot of nothing. But you'll enjoy it dammit! Oh and it's a wonderful screenshot of me too.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Summer Meme: Sing Along / Seven Songs

I got tagged by my boy Tofu. This blog tag mission involves listing 7 songs that are shaping my summer. The instructions are this:

“List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they’re not any good, but they must be songs you’re really enjoying now, shaping your spring summer. Post these instructions in your blog along with your seven songs. Then tag seven other people to see what they’re listening to.”

I'm gonna bend the rules though because that is what I do. These songs shape my summer, but the shape is a beautiful female figure. So I'm going to go through and list from the head to the toes where each song fits.

7) - The Head: Nas - Hero
This has been the song so far that I haven't been able to get out of my head. Read this if you want to know how I feel about this joint.

6) - The Mouth: Young Jeezy Feat. Kanye West - Put On
I chose this for the mouth because I find myself randomly quoting Kanye's verse...excessively. You don't know how many times I have said "I need just at least, one of Russel's nieces" or "I feel like there's still bitches that owe me sex". I can't recreate the warbling vocals that 'Ye did with the help of autotune but I can match his intensity and that is all that matters.

5) - The Shoulders: Bill O'Reilly - DO IT LIIIIVE!!!!!!11 (Discotech Remix)
Why the shoulders? Because this song deserves a shrug. Who would have thought that I would have a Bill O'Reilly "song" on repeat, let alone be listening to him this summer? This joint is not only funny but it's dope as hell.

4) - The Chest: T.I. - No Matter What
I chose this song for the chest because it takes a lot of heart to do what T.I. is doing. Making great music while knowing that he isn't going to be a free man pretty soon. This song is just crazy. Organs, synths, the whole kitchen sink and a catchy ass chorus.

3) - The Hips/Ass: Harumi - Don't Know What I'm Gonna Do
A little known artist released a self titled album in 1968 that combined psychedelic rock and soul and this is my favorite track from it. The instrumentation and melody of this song is great, I can't count how many times I have listened to this one.

2) - The Legs: Bishop Lamont Feat. Busta Rhymes - Kissin' Tha Curb
This Carson California rapper is down with the good doctor, Dre and he brings in Busta to pump some more energy into a song already brimming with it. Why the legs though? Because it makes me want to go American History X and stomp a face into a curb. Any Busta Rhymes feature can make you want to do that though.

1) - The Feet: Rich Boy - Chevy A Monsta
Rich Boy despite having the forehead of the Predator he can make some catchy shit. "Chevy A Monsta" is no exception. The beat get's my feet tapping and also makes me wish I could put them on a Chevrolet gas pedal instead of getting my public transportation on in this hot ass summer weather. Oh and this track has a "Tales from the Crypt" sample in the beginning which renders it a winner automatically.

I think I might be a little late because I have only 3 people that I can even tag for this one. It seems everyone else already did this 7 songs thing. So here, I tag Chris, Ren Ariel Sano and Model Minority.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Ill Fitted

I typed "Fitty Cent" into Google and this was the 1st picture that appeared. I am actually typing this post because I'm sick and tired of hearing "Fitty". It's 50, fifty, fiff + tee. OK. Yes I am white but I noticed that mostly white people say Fitty. Never have I heard a black person that didn't work for a morning talk show say "Fitty Cent".

ATTENTION White People Everywhere: This shit does not make you hip or cool. It does not make your relationship with your children a closer one. If your mission is to sound more knowledgeable about hip hop and what these crazy kids are into nowadays this is not the way to go about executing that mission. If you say fitty, that "white voice" that so many black comedians use is probably similar to what comes from your vocal cords. This has been a message from the Committee to Make White People Look Less Like Assholes, thanks for reading.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Not So Fast, Eagle...

OK, so this site named Spickr came out recently and amazingly it's not a site for denigrating Hispanics. Instead it has a bunch of sites together in one place and does shit, blah blah blah. Well, they realized they made a mistake and now are calling themselves fasteagle. You're telling me not one Spanish person works for them or socializes with these people and these Spanish people didn't tell them, "hey, you might want to brainstorm a little bit harder before you stick with Spickr"?

Another new site is called passingstranger and this website is for you to try to make a connection with a stranger you walked by but were too much of a bitch to say something to at the moment. What a great idea, let's encourage people to be afraid of social contact even more. OK, web 2.0, I've had enough of you for now, go to your room.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Why Johnny Can't Concentrate

Recently I have found myself lacking in the desire department when it comes to reading what was once captivating for me. My Sports Illustrated subscription has been rendered useless, much like my toys were when I discovered the opposite sex's cup sizes were much more enthralling.

I no longer give a shit about whether a new free agent signed to my Buffalo Bills is skilled in the nickel defense or if he tackles like Deion Sanders. For some reason I don't care to read that same rehashed story about how an athlete turns his career around after he realizes he has been wasting his talent, time and energy on smoking blunts and experimenting in sexual positions with groupies.

I don't want to hear cliches from newly signed coaches, and the whole spiel about "changing the culture" of the team. I no longer care and it is scary. Seriously, why can't Johnny concentrate on what once mattered so much.

Perhaps I can point to Google reader and say that it is my downfall. THERE ARE SO MANY UNREAD ITEMS OMG!!! I find myself judging an article by it's first line. If it sounds like shit, I skip it. This has come to affect my reading of physical print. The only exceptions tend to be when I am reading something from a writer that I trust or somebody I know, which is when I give an article a chance beyond it's first line.

I think I decided just as I was writing "I think I decided" that I am going to cancel some subscriptions. Some of it is just bullshit. The Internet is giving me the same information with less advertising and less irrelevant material to wade through. No longer will I thumb through two issues of Inc. magazine to finally have one arrive in my mailbox with one story that interests me. And sorry S.I. because Dan Patrick and his witty words will likely not keep me. Neither will those envelopes you send me with threatening messages like "renew it or lose it". You act like you are giving me the privilege of being a paying subscriber to your fucking magazine! But that is for another rant, another time.

I don't think we have discovered why Johnny can't concentrate. Maybe it's the information overload that is presented to all of us all of the time. Yeah that sounds good, let's just go with that.

UPDATE: You know what else Sports Illustrated? That cotton sweatshirt was not super comfortable either. Fuck your free gifts!

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

In My Mind: Hippety

This is an older post from late last year that I had up on another site. But it still pretty much rings true:

I am confounded. I had to look up the word confounded just to double check that I actually am confounded. I am currently on a steady diet of hipster dance music, especially remixes. Yet, I don’t want to be a hipster, or I think I don’t want to at this moment. But I think I am turning into a hipster kinda like that 80’s rock/pop/electronic? group was turning Japanese. I also didn’t mention, I am consuming all of this dance music and my ass can’t really dance. I kinda two step and sway. I am not stiff, just awkward, a result of my lack of social interaction for part of my teens: The part of your teen’s where u actually use your body in a dancing manner. I say im awkward just because I'm so self conscious at times but…where the fuck am I going?

OK I guess that just goes to show you I am confounded. I like peppering my writing with words like confound just to change up the flow. Confound is a good word because it shows you have moderate intelligence, enough that you use a word other than confused to tell the world that you are in fact, confused. That is true with many other words and at some point I hope to master this skill, if you would call it that. I came up with a song idea tonight due to my emotions. It has an emo-rock-like long title that will draw attention simply because it goes against the grain of popular culture’s ideas about how long a song title should be. The title is "Fucking Tired of This Hipster Shit”. That is tentative, don’t hold me to it, I reserve the right to politically correct it and buckle beneath the pressure of “The Man” at the record label if I do in fact ever sign to one.

The song will feature such chant-a-long lines as “If you rockin’ size 13’s, better give them shits up!” which will be repeated at particular points in the song. I guess I'm inspired by sing a long, standard dance/club, hip hop influenced remix songs, like the one’s I'm listening to while writing this. “If you rockin size…” means I'm robbing a hipster and taking his ridiculously priced sneakers that are not so ridiculous once you realize that if I had the money I would be buying them too. I believe they call that irony. Oh, I'm catching on with these big words. The whole song will be kinda tongue and cheek and yet introspective. It will be both because I'm not taking myself seriously but I am letting the world know I have insecurities and a desire to in some way be a part of this group. I say I lack the money for these shoes at a time when my wallet looks like it could stop a bullet. I'm literally holding on to $1200 and I guess I just think their are more important things for me to buy at the moment besides designer sneakers. The more important things were apparently a wireless router and a Slingbox so I can watch t.v. on my laptop. Speaking of laptop I used to always think it was labtop but whatever.

I am also at odds with myself at times because I would like to dress the way I truly want to but being a full time hipster is exhausting. Because of this predicament I wear the fashionable but not-as-up-to-date-as-I-would-like stuff. I do this because my money flow is not limitless and it still seems like I'm allergic to getting a job, plus the pollen seems to be out in full force at the moment. I'm sure “true” hipsters hate the word hipster because they think they are too hip to be called a hipster. Or perhaps, they are so far ahead of the curve that they actually laugh at themselves because that's what the masses will find cool 6-12 months from now. Wow, that was deep.

To sum it up or something, I despise the readers of URB as well as the people in the pages, all the while, a URB magazine stares at me from 2 feet away on my bed and my earphones blast at high decibels, the music talked about in URB. I want to be so hip that I despise myself for being so hip. I want to have the music before the artist strums his guitar, flicks a knob or clicks a mouse. I want the news of the helicopter explosion before the Iraqi “insurgents” blow it out of the sky. And I want my expensive kicks to be played out before the third world hands stitch them together. I keep coming with that deep shit, I'm so hip. Geez JK your a poet and you didn’t even know it. Geez, your talking to yourself in third person and referring to your nickname at the same time! Johnathan your so fucking hip! The crowd roars in approval but I tell them to shut up because I'm too hip for that. OK, I went too far, the gimmicks wearing off.

OK, what is the point I'm trying to make? No point really. I just write and whatever comes out, comes out. These are just my honest feelings. “Only a hip person would say that”.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Tropicana...Don't You Dare Try This Again

Well, here you are. If you are awake maybe you notice a problem. And no it's not super simple to just take off the cap and put it on correctly. I wasn't trained in putting plastic caps on orange juice containers OK? fucked up. Simple.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

My Habits #2: Haaaaa

People on the internet that interact with me often notice that when I find something funny I do not type LOL. I instead type Haaa. They ask me why I use haaa. The answer: It's because I'm too lazy to weave together a haha. I'd rather hit the h button once and just stick with the a's. Thanks for the question though.