Monday, April 28, 2008

I'v Been...Tagged!

OK. My left coast beatsmith homie tagged me in his newest post. So here is how it works:

1. Link the person who tagged you
2. Mention the rules in your blog
3. Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks
4. Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them
5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged bloggers blogs, letting them know they've been tagged.

My Quirks:

- I like my food in/on seperate bowls/plates. I don't want my corn mixed w/ my rice, I don't want corn and rice mixed w/ my chicken and so on.

- I'm crazy about organizing my mp3 player. I go to great lengths to make sure every track on there is something that I am not bored with and will not be bored with.

- I eat oatmeal uncooked, with milk, just like it's cereal. If you tell me I'm wrong or weird for this, you can go lick pidgeon feces off of the street.

- If I start listening to some albums I must finish them. I can't just listen to one track in the middle of the album and treat it like a mixtape song if it is special to me. Some albums that I do this with are (Illmatic, ATLiens, Donuts etc.)

- I wear socks all the time. Seeing high school locker rooms put the fear in me.

- I never played a Wii, an X Box or an X Box 360. Never!

I am tagging only 4, I broke the rules:

I Know What It Is
Reverie Machine
Yes I'm High Maintenance
Mind Playin' Tricks

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

The Unofficial Blog of Major League Baseball

This is an OK commercial. But isn't it kinda ridiculous that Aquafina is the "official water of MLB"? I's fucking water! Essentially Aquafina is the official plastic bottle of MLB. Will the league fine players that are seen drinking water not provided by Aquafina as well? Blah.

Saturday, April 5, 2008

J Be Mad @ #1: Web 2.0 Companies

One definition of Web 2.0 that I found on the ever correct Wikipedia is this: "...the philosophy of mutually maximizing collective intelligence and added value for each participant by formalized and dynamic information sharing and creation"

OK. Whatever. Basically, I think Web 2.0 means: make a site with a "hip" design, find a way to connect people with other people through your site, and come up with a goofy name for it. Something I have noticed recently with these websites is that many are choosing to put an "r" at the end of their name. Examples: Flickr, Wallowr, Grubstr, Twitter, Drinkstr, Blabbr etc. etc. etc.

You see? With many of these sites, the trick is this: Make your name end in the "er" sound but subtract the "e". What you get as a result is a Web 2.0 site! What a breakthrough!

It's soooooo easy! Let's try it. I will give you some ideas for new Web 2.0 sites, feel free to steal them if they haven't been done yet:

Datr: Dating site for people who can't spell date.

Clubbr: Social networking site for people who swallow ecstasy pills that come in the shape of SpongeBob SquarePants.

Hardr: Social networking site for people into kinky sex.

Christr: Social networking site for Jesus freaks.

Another thing I dislike about these sites is that everybody is trying to be SO specific! There are a bunch of sites for rating things, sites for polls, sites to plan dinner meetings, sites to plan lunch meetings! I mean damn, do you really think you are going to succeed? Do you think I want to go to a different site for each thing I do in my life? Do I have the time for that? No.

To finish this, I would like to speak directly to these entrepreneurs. Be original. Make a web 3.0 site. Create an original name. Not a name that uses a word Google will think I misspelled if I type it into the search bar. Bring something new to the table, something that we don't know we need yet, not something that we can get from 100 different places besides your site. Thank you.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

What Made Me: TV Dinner's

TV Dinner. Yum Yum. Nothing says America like using a microwave to warm up shitty food so you can save yourself time and avoid missing a new episode of "Big Brother" or whatever crap that people watch nowadays.

That may have been a little harsh. TV dinners were dinner for me sometimes. I was young, I didn't know better. My TV dinners had to have chicken in them too. Nuggets, breast, hip, neck, fingers, dinosaur shapes, it doesn't matter. Chicken was a MUST. Even though I ate them, it doesn't mean they are not shitty.

What am I talking about? Who can resist a chicken nugget that is 80% breading? What about french fries that are dry and taste kinda like plastic? Corn that tastes old? Or, how about a brownie for dessert that you can't even get out of the mold that it's in? Wow, I sure am getting hungry. TV dinner's suck! That is it. Get your ass up and make something to eat that doesn't suck. No wonder obesity is such a problem in this country, TV + Dinner = dog throw up.

My Habits #1: E-Mail

I am kinda OCD-ish when it comes to checking e-mail. I check it like I am expecting to see a nude picture of a female friend I know (which happens far less often than I would like). I don't get enough e-mail, I don't even get enough spam. Actually I won't say that because then people will be smart asses and say "oh, whats your address, I can send you penis enlargement e-mails, and Russian bride ads". No thank you.

I guess you have to give a little to get a little though, and I don't send enough e-mail's to warrant receiving a whole lot. I probably checked my e-mail 7 times while writing this. That's a damn lie and I know it is! Whatever, that is one flaw of mine. Yeah. That is about it.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

My Octopi Post

Today is a day where you celebrate the Octopus. You will celebrate it dammit!

This Octopus thing came about because I read this article that is so dirty and yet clean at the same time: Kinky world of octopus exposed. Come on, that's great! They said that they strangled other octopi if they tried taking their piece of ass! And here is my favorite part of the article, they say that an octopus would try to trick other octopusses (I'm tired of saying octopi) by "swimming girlishly".

That whole article reads like an episode of "Cops". Domestic dispute and transsexual octopi walking the street girlishly. I could make a handjob joke but I will refrain.

To top off this post I am putting up a link to this kick ass video of an octopus and a shark reenacting Anton Chigurh's escape from jail (just fast forward to 1:30 in to it)

My Second Post

This is me talking to Jeffrey Max of I Know What It Is and telling him about my first post.

me: I would post the couple paragraphs here in this box but u prolly busy. It will bring the funny
jeffreymax: yeah i gotsta make some calls
jeffreymax: totally send me a link when it's up
me: No doubt. I will do your thang playboy
me: I forgot to put a comma there
jeffreymax: lol
jeffreymax: yeah right
me: haaaa seriously
jeffreymax: someone's looking to "do my thang"
me: haaaaaaaa
me: oh this is gonna be my second post

Teens Yell The Craziest Shit

Doesn't Bill look like Ray Charles mixed with Bert from Sesame Street in this picture?

I was gonna simply call this post project fights but then I wrote Teens Yell The Craziest Shit and it's kinda like Kid's Say The Darnest Things so thats why I did that. I'm cool.

Project fights are events. Fuck Floyd Mayweather, people here in the projects love drama. I know, all I have to do is look outside my window and see this fight that's going on. The only thing missing is the expensive, extra salty stale popcorn. The popcorn that is extra salty just because they want to disguise it's staleness. Fights in the projects make people hype. Kids test out the swear words they learned from the older kids and talk shit about the combatants as if they weigh 220 lb's and train like Rocky did in Russia. And if you lose, these kids will talk shit about you to the point where you will shed at least one Indian tear (you know, the tear that the Indian sheds when he sees a Frito Lay bag land on mother earth or something like that).

It's not like living in public housing is enough. We make shit even harder for ourselves. There is no Don King involved in these fights but we all get shafted. Hold on, I am getting too soapbox preachy. To change the subject back to nonsense, I also saw a Domino's delivery guy do his job while this fight took place. Actually it is still taking place. It's like a marathon fight session or something. There should be a concessions stand or a guy stating that he has peanuts using his outside voice, in fact that is what I will do. I will sell shit during these fights. Actually, I won't, I just thought that sounded good.

But during these fights it's just brutal. Kids want to be bad asses. I know, I was a teenager once. Like last year, I was a teenager. But anyway, these teens yell the craziest shit, start these brawls for the smallest of things. I should know, I am only a year removed from my teens. And we all know that once you turn 20 that your blood is vaccinated by the heavens and the teen gene is removed.

Wow! Someone must have scored a money shot and made someone leak, because the roar of the crowd outside just got deafening. This I bet is one of those fights where you can see what Joe Boxers the fighters are wearing. And if they are fat you can see their stretch marks and shit because their shirts are being pulled up by wild punches and grabs. It sounds like they are fighting in the playground. They are probably slamming each other into the wood chips.

OK, it seems to have died down. This is where they either tend to the wounds they suffered or they play it off because friends are around or they have so much adrenaline coursing through their bodies that they can't feel the pain. They might be putting that red shit that your mom used for your cuts on their booboo's. Losing a fight in the projects sucks, really, it sucks. We don't listen to country music here in the projects. We listen to music that leads you to believe that no rappers have ever lost a fight in their lives. With that said, these rappers dictate our behaviors a lot. When Eminem came out people said that he negatively influenced the young people of America. Maybe he did back then, but what I know now is that rappers nowadays do influence these teenagers and kids. Not every kid, but some.

The projects mixed with rap music created a culture where you better be Chuck Norris in a white tee if you want respect. We don't talk it out here. I didn't talk it out either. I am not innocent, I wanted to be as bad ass as the next kid. Maybe there will be a part 2, to this post. I just squeezed every bit of humor out of it though when I started talking about rappers, so I guess I should end it here.

Oh also, I never told you the crazy shit that these teens say. I won't. It's crazy, believe me. How's that for a cliffhanger? *off to go think of crazy shit that might have been said to cover my ass because the yells were inaudible*