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Monday, June 30, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
I got tagged by my boy Tofu. This blog tag mission involves listing 7 songs that are shaping my summer. The instructions are this:
“List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they’re not any good, but they must be songs you’re really enjoying now, shaping your spring summer. Post these instructions in your blog along with your seven songs. Then tag seven other people to see what they’re listening to.”
I'm gonna bend the rules though because that is what I do. These songs shape my summer, but the shape is a beautiful female figure. So I'm going to go through and list from the head to the toes where each song fits.
7) - The Head: Nas - Hero
This has been the song so far that I haven't been able to get out of my head. Read this if you want to know how I feel about this joint.
6) - The Mouth: Young Jeezy Feat. Kanye West - Put On
I chose this for the mouth because I find myself randomly quoting Kanye's verse...excessively. You don't know how many times I have said "I need just at least, one of Russel's nieces" or "I feel like there's still bitches that owe me sex". I can't recreate the warbling vocals that 'Ye did with the help of autotune but I can match his intensity and that is all that matters.
5) - The Shoulders: Bill O'Reilly - DO IT LIIIIVE!!!!!!11 (Discotech Remix)
Why the shoulders? Because this song deserves a shrug. Who would have thought that I would have a Bill O'Reilly "song" on repeat, let alone be listening to him this summer? This joint is not only funny but it's dope as hell.
4) - The Chest: T.I. - No Matter What
I chose this song for the chest because it takes a lot of heart to do what T.I. is doing. Making great music while knowing that he isn't going to be a free man pretty soon. This song is just crazy. Organs, synths, the whole kitchen sink and a catchy ass chorus.
3) - The Hips/Ass: Harumi - Don't Know What I'm Gonna Do
A little known artist released a self titled album in 1968 that combined psychedelic rock and soul and this is my favorite track from it. The instrumentation and melody of this song is great, I can't count how many times I have listened to this one.
2) - The Legs: Bishop Lamont Feat. Busta Rhymes - Kissin' Tha Curb
This Carson California rapper is down with the good doctor, Dre and he brings in Busta to pump some more energy into a song already brimming with it. Why the legs though? Because it makes me want to go American History X and stomp a face into a curb. Any Busta Rhymes feature can make you want to do that though.
1) - The Feet: Rich Boy - Chevy A Monsta
Rich Boy despite having the forehead of the Predator he can make some catchy shit. "Chevy A Monsta" is no exception. The beat get's my feet tapping and also makes me wish I could put them on a Chevrolet gas pedal instead of getting my public transportation on in this hot ass summer weather. Oh and this track has a "Tales from the Crypt" sample in the beginning which renders it a winner automatically.
I think I might be a little late because I have only 3 people that I can even tag for this one. It seems everyone else already did this 7 songs thing. So here, I tag Chris, Ren Ariel Sano and Model Minority.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
I typed "Fitty Cent" into Google and this was the 1st picture that appeared. I am actually typing this post because I'm sick and tired of hearing "Fitty". It's 50, fifty, fiff + tee. OK. Yes I am white but I noticed that mostly white people say Fitty. Never have I heard a black person that didn't work for a morning talk show say "Fitty Cent".
ATTENTION White People Everywhere: This shit does not make you hip or cool. It does not make your relationship with your children a closer one. If your mission is to sound more knowledgeable about hip hop and what these crazy kids are into nowadays this is not the way to go about executing that mission. If you say fitty, that "white voice" that so many black comedians use is probably similar to what comes from your vocal cords. This has been a message from the Committee to Make White People Look Less Like Assholes, thanks for reading.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
OK, so this site named Spickr came out recently and amazingly it's not a site for denigrating Hispanics. Instead it has a bunch of sites together in one place and does shit, blah blah blah. Well, they realized they made a mistake and now are calling themselves fasteagle. You're telling me not one Spanish person works for them or socializes with these people and these Spanish people didn't tell them, "hey, you might want to brainstorm a little bit harder before you stick with Spickr"?
Another new site is called passingstranger and this website is for you to try to make a connection with a stranger you walked by but were too much of a bitch to say something to at the moment. What a great idea, let's encourage people to be afraid of social contact even more. OK, web 2.0, I've had enough of you for now, go to your room.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Recently I have found myself lacking in the desire department when it comes to reading what was once captivating for me. My Sports Illustrated subscription has been rendered useless, much like my toys were when I discovered the opposite sex's cup sizes were much more enthralling.
I no longer give a shit about whether a new free agent signed to my Buffalo Bills is skilled in the nickel defense or if he tackles like Deion Sanders. For some reason I don't care to read that same rehashed story about how an athlete turns his career around after he realizes he has been wasting his talent, time and energy on smoking blunts and experimenting in sexual positions with groupies.
I don't want to hear cliches from newly signed coaches, and the whole spiel about "changing the culture" of the team. I no longer care and it is scary. Seriously, why can't Johnny concentrate on what once mattered so much.
Perhaps I can point to Google reader and say that it is my downfall. THERE ARE SO MANY UNREAD ITEMS OMG!!! I find myself judging an article by it's first line. If it sounds like shit, I skip it. This has come to affect my reading of physical print. The only exceptions tend to be when I am reading something from a writer that I trust or somebody I know, which is when I give an article a chance beyond it's first line.
I think I decided just as I was writing "I think I decided" that I am going to cancel some subscriptions. Some of it is just bullshit. The Internet is giving me the same information with less advertising and less irrelevant material to wade through. No longer will I thumb through two issues of Inc. magazine to finally have one arrive in my mailbox with one story that interests me. And sorry S.I. because Dan Patrick and his witty words will likely not keep me. Neither will those envelopes you send me with threatening messages like "renew it or lose it". You act like you are giving me the privilege of being a paying subscriber to your fucking magazine! But that is for another rant, another time.
I don't think we have discovered why Johnny can't concentrate. Maybe it's the information overload that is presented to all of us all of the time. Yeah that sounds good, let's just go with that.
UPDATE: You know what else Sports Illustrated? That cotton sweatshirt was not super comfortable either. Fuck your free gifts!
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
I am confounded. I had to look up the word confounded just to double check that I actually am confounded. I am currently on a steady diet of hipster dance music, especially remixes. Yet, I don’t want to be a hipster, or I think I don’t want to at this moment. But I think I am turning into a hipster kinda like that 80’s rock/pop/electronic? group was turning Japanese. I also didn’t mention, I am consuming all of this dance music and my ass can’t really dance. I kinda two step and sway. I am not stiff, just awkward, a result of my lack of social interaction for part of my teens: The part of your teen’s where u actually use your body in a dancing manner. I say im awkward just because I'm so self conscious at times but…where the fuck am I going?
OK I guess that just goes to show you I am confounded. I like peppering my writing with words like confound just to change up the flow. Confound is a good word because it shows you have moderate intelligence, enough that you use a word other than confused to tell the world that you are in fact, confused. That is true with many other words and at some point I hope to master this skill, if you would call it that. I came up with a song idea tonight due to my emotions. It has an emo-rock-like long title that will draw attention simply because it goes against the grain of popular culture’s ideas about how long a song title should be. The title is "Fucking Tired of This Hipster Shit”. That is tentative, don’t hold me to it, I reserve the right to politically correct it and buckle beneath the pressure of “The Man” at the record label if I do in fact ever sign to one.
The song will feature such chant-a-long lines as “If you rockin’ size 13’s, better give them shits up!” which will be repeated at particular points in the song. I guess I'm inspired by sing a long, standard dance/club, hip hop influenced remix songs, like the one’s I'm listening to while writing this. “If you rockin size…” means I'm robbing a hipster and taking his ridiculously priced sneakers that are not so ridiculous once you realize that if I had the money I would be buying them too. I believe they call that irony. Oh, I'm catching on with these big words. The whole song will be kinda tongue and cheek and yet introspective. It will be both because I'm not taking myself seriously but I am letting the world know I have insecurities and a desire to in some way be a part of this group. I say I lack the money for these shoes at a time when my wallet looks like it could stop a bullet. I'm literally holding on to $1200 and I guess I just think their are more important things for me to buy at the moment besides designer sneakers. The more important things were apparently a wireless router and a Slingbox so I can watch t.v. on my laptop. Speaking of laptop I used to always think it was labtop but whatever.
I am also at odds with myself at times because I would like to dress the way I truly want to but being a full time hipster is exhausting. Because of this predicament I wear the fashionable but not-as-up-to-date-as-I-would-like stuff. I do this because my money flow is not limitless and it still seems like I'm allergic to getting a job, plus the pollen seems to be out in full force at the moment. I'm sure “true” hipsters hate the word hipster because they think they are too hip to be called a hipster. Or perhaps, they are so far ahead of the curve that they actually laugh at themselves because that's what the masses will find cool 6-12 months from now. Wow, that was deep.
To sum it up or something, I despise the readers of URB as well as the people in the pages, all the while, a URB magazine stares at me from 2 feet away on my bed and my earphones blast at high decibels, the music talked about in URB. I want to be so hip that I despise myself for being so hip. I want to have the music before the artist strums his guitar, flicks a knob or clicks a mouse. I want the news of the helicopter explosion before the Iraqi “insurgents” blow it out of the sky. And I want my expensive kicks to be played out before the third world hands stitch them together. I keep coming with that deep shit, I'm so hip. Geez JK your a poet and you didn’t even know it. Geez, your talking to yourself in third person and referring to your nickname at the same time! Johnathan your so fucking hip! The crowd roars in approval but I tell them to shut up because I'm too hip for that. OK, I went too far, the gimmicks wearing off.
OK, what is the point I'm trying to make? No point really. I just write and whatever comes out, comes out. These are just my honest feelings. “Only a hip person would say that”.
Monday, June 9, 2008
Well, here you are. If you are awake maybe you notice a problem. And no it's not super simple to just take off the cap and put it on correctly. I wasn't trained in putting plastic caps on orange juice containers OK? Tropicana...you fucked up. Simple.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
People on the internet that interact with me often notice that when I find something funny I do not type LOL. I instead type Haaa. They ask me why I use haaa. The answer: It's because I'm too lazy to weave together a haha. I'd rather hit the h button once and just stick with the a's. Thanks for the question though.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Esquire Magazine recently posted a piece called "The 75 Skills Every Man Should Master". Well I have one thing that I believe every man should master and it's this:
Don't Ever Let The Media Tell You How To Be A Man
...ain't no more to it
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Are you an artist? Do you want to know how to make someone pay attention to you in a world full of musicians? Easy. Claim that you "sound like Malcolm X and Shaq making music together". It will make somebody pay attention. It's better than saying you sound like Jim Jones mixed with 2Pac or some other boring bullshit. Who wouldn't want to hear what Malcolm X and Shaq sounded like if they were making music together?!
If you are interested here is the man's page on cdbaby.com.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Thanks to Chris for making me feel compelled to write about this topic of marketing. I think I first got the desire to touch on this on Sunday morning when I sat down for breakfast. I opened up the paper, read the news, and then made my way to the ad's.
I checked out Circuit City's advertisements and checked out the new album releases. I don't know why really, why would I buy a damn CD? But anyway, I saw Bun B's new album II Trill was coming out (great album by the way). Along with the picture of the cover art it had a picture of a t-shirt with the cover art on it. OK, a free t-shirt with your purchase of Bun B's new album (while supplies last of course).
Hello, you, at the record label. Do you want to know what happens to these shirts? They become the lining for a bird cage, a rag to wipe dust off of shit in my room and a bunch of other things that don't include being worn.
Why should I wear this t-shirt? Is the album art particularly attractive? No. Will it make my friends think I'm cool? No. Will it clothe me? Yes. Did I want an article of clothing when I purchased a CD though? No. I can't blame you decision makers at record labels too much though. What can you do to make a person buy a CD nowadays anyway? Maybe offer a free eight ball and a coupon for the local prostitute.
But seriously, nothing can really help the sale of CD's. As far as other products go though, shirts with your logo, don't work. I don't want the shit, even if it's free. Unless you are going to make a creative t-shirt like this to promote your brand, save the hands of these third world children. I will not be a walking billboard for you. Neither will most of my generation. I'm sure some 40 year old out there that wears the first thing he sees in the morning would wear a t-shirt with Bun B's album cover plastered on the front, but not this 21 year old that wants to get some more ass this century.
The only way I would wear your album cover on my chest is if it was that one that I lead this post with.
Monday, May 5, 2008
- When the patch on my Levi's gets worn. I believe it's a good indicator that you have done some living when this happens.
- Smucker's Natural Peanut Butter. It tastes damn good.
- The Orlando Magic. Add 20 numbers to Dwight Howard's jersey and you get 32. Shaq's jersey number. Coincidence? Nuh-uh.
- Gain Without Pain (sometimes).
- Movie theater popcorn. Killing myself never tasted so good.
- Girl Scout Thin Mint's. Same reasoning as before.
- Pointing out that Stuart Scott of ESPN has a glass eye.
- Seth Godin books. I wish I had his insight when I was selling drugs.
- Alibaba.com Yes! I've been looking for thiourea dioxide forever. And Amazon sold out of red locomotives
- Roger Clemens. I had no idea it would be this fun to use "misremember" in conversations. Thanks Rocket!
- Twitter. Following people without making them run or take quick turns is awesome.
- Doing random shit (ending lists when I get to odd numbers, and by odd I mean this even number 12).
Friday, May 2, 2008
(Note: The following post is not written by The JK. It is written by Trickah. A female who claims to have knowledge about The JK, not known to the public. Read with suspended belief until I have time to counter this attack on my character.)
helping this guy humblify his wacktitude at all. I understand that
people deserve credit where it is due but this guy here, its all a
front. He's actually a three hunnid fiddy pound hairy beast of a man
who sits around in his underpants all day googling up witty things to
say. ZOMG, he annoys me non-stop with his big ass ego...he is 5 brags
away from being BLOCKED! Anyway, I just wanted yall to know the truth
and hopefully this guy will finally get over himself. Oh yeah, if you
ever get the chance to exchange some choice words with this
gobble-dee-goop pelase tell him to GOY (Get over Yourself)
Top 5 reasons JK needs to GOH, Get Over Himself:
5. His music sounds like babies who have mad diarrhea with the booty
water straight blarbling, with 808 beats in the background and some
samplings of old prostitutes queefing.
4. His nudes are totally photoshopped, he uses Extenze but it didn't
work...so he used that stretch/skew tool on photoshop or some shit. He
can't even work the Myspace angles.
3. Hes all up on the internet making his presence known, thats only
because he thinks more exposure equals popularity...WRONG...it equals
2. He thinks hes so cutting edge, but don't get it twisted. He knows
nothing about nothing! All this smarmy "oh I write" " oh i make music"
"oh i got hoes" "oh i'm so funny" BOO...I seriously think
this guy hasa distorted view of whats what cause let me tell you, If I saw him on
the street, I'd totally jack this foo for all his new fangled gadgets
and whatnot and he'd cry. He'd totally cry and run like a girl.
1. He enjoys reciting Lil Wayne - Lollipop. This song annoys the
SHITCACABOOBOOSTANK outta me!! I cannot stand it, and this guy insists
that it is the greatest song ever made to get girls panty pudding
flowing. I think NOT. Perhaps Lil' Wayne inspires him, perhaps he is
looking for his Birdman? coooo cooooooooo Cash money is an army? Don't
ask don't tell...
So JK, please GOY!!! before you get to 30 and become one of those
douches who are floating off the ground cause their heads so big but
their game ain't proper. (you know i luuuhhhh you bee)
Monday, April 28, 2008
OK. My left coast beatsmith homie tagged me in his newest post. So here is how it works:
1. Link the person who tagged you
2. Mention the rules in your blog
3. Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks
4. Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them
5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged bloggers blogs, letting them know they've been tagged.
- I like my food in/on seperate bowls/plates. I don't want my corn mixed w/ my rice, I don't want corn and rice mixed w/ my chicken and so on.
- I'm crazy about organizing my mp3 player. I go to great lengths to make sure every track on there is something that I am not bored with and will not be bored with.
- I eat oatmeal uncooked, with milk, just like it's cereal. If you tell me I'm wrong or weird for this, you can go lick pidgeon feces off of the street.
- If I start listening to some albums I must finish them. I can't just listen to one track in the middle of the album and treat it like a mixtape song if it is special to me. Some albums that I do this with are (Illmatic, ATLiens, Donuts etc.)
- I wear socks all the time. Seeing high school locker rooms put the fear in me.
- I never played a Wii, an X Box or an X Box 360. Never!
I am tagging only 4, I broke the rules:
I Know What It Is
Yes I'm High Maintenance
Mind Playin' Tricks
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Saturday, April 5, 2008
One definition of Web 2.0 that I found on the ever correct Wikipedia is this: "...the philosophy of mutually maximizing collective intelligence and added value for each participant by formalized and dynamic information sharing and creation"
OK. Whatever. Basically, I think Web 2.0 means: make a site with a "hip" design, find a way to connect people with other people through your site, and come up with a goofy name for it. Something I have noticed recently with these websites is that many are choosing to put an "r" at the end of their name. Examples: Flickr, Wallowr, Grubstr, Twitter, Drinkstr, Blabbr etc. etc. etc.
You see? With many of these sites, the trick is this: Make your name end in the "er" sound but subtract the "e". What you get as a result is a Web 2.0 site! What a breakthrough!
It's soooooo easy! Let's try it. I will give you some ideas for new Web 2.0 sites, feel free to steal them if they haven't been done yet:
Datr: Dating site for people who can't spell date.
Clubbr: Social networking site for people who swallow ecstasy pills that come in the shape of SpongeBob SquarePants.
Hardr: Social networking site for people into kinky sex.
Christr: Social networking site for Jesus freaks.
Another thing I dislike about these sites is that everybody is trying to be SO specific! There are a bunch of sites for rating things, sites for polls, sites to plan dinner meetings, sites to plan lunch meetings! I mean damn, do you really think you are going to succeed? Do you think I want to go to a different site for each thing I do in my life? Do I have the time for that? No.
To finish this, I would like to speak directly to these entrepreneurs. Be original. Make a web 3.0 site. Create an original name. Not a name that uses a word Google will think I misspelled if I type it into the search bar. Bring something new to the table, something that we don't know we need yet, not something that we can get from 100 different places besides your site. Thank you.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
TV Dinner. Yum Yum. Nothing says America like using a microwave to warm up shitty food so you can save yourself time and avoid missing a new episode of "Big Brother" or whatever crap that people watch nowadays.
That may have been a little harsh. TV dinners were dinner for me sometimes. I was young, I didn't know better. My TV dinners had to have chicken in them too. Nuggets, breast, hip, neck, fingers, dinosaur shapes, it doesn't matter. Chicken was a MUST. Even though I ate them, it doesn't mean they are not shitty.
What am I talking about? Who can resist a chicken nugget that is 80% breading? What about french fries that are dry and taste kinda like plastic? Corn that tastes old? Or, how about a brownie for dessert that you can't even get out of the mold that it's in? Wow, I sure am getting hungry. TV dinner's suck! That is it. Get your ass up and make something to eat that doesn't suck. No wonder obesity is such a problem in this country, TV + Dinner = dog throw up.
I am kinda OCD-ish when it comes to checking e-mail. I check it like I am expecting to see a nude picture of a female friend I know (which happens far less often than I would like). I don't get enough e-mail, I don't even get enough spam. Actually I won't say that because then people will be smart asses and say "oh, whats your address, I can send you penis enlargement e-mails, and Russian bride ads". No thank you.
I guess you have to give a little to get a little though, and I don't send enough e-mail's to warrant receiving a whole lot. I probably checked my e-mail 7 times while writing this. That's a damn lie and I know it is! Whatever, that is one flaw of mine. Yeah. That is about it.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Today is a day where you celebrate the Octopus. You will celebrate it dammit!
This Octopus thing came about because I read this article that is so dirty and yet clean at the same time: Kinky world of octopus exposed. Come on, that's great! They said that they strangled other octopi if they tried taking their piece of ass! And here is my favorite part of the article, they say that an octopus would try to trick other octopusses (I'm tired of saying octopi) by "swimming girlishly".
That whole article reads like an episode of "Cops". Domestic dispute and transsexual octopi walking the street girlishly. I could make a handjob joke but I will refrain.
To top off this post I am putting up a link to this kick ass video of an octopus and a shark reenacting Anton Chigurh's escape from jail (just fast forward to 1:30 in to it)
This is me talking to Jeffrey Max of I Know What It Is and telling him about my first post.
me: I would post the couple paragraphs here in this box but u prolly busy. It will bring the funny
jeffreymax: yeah i gotsta make some calls
jeffreymax: totally send me a link when it's up
me: No doubt. I will do your thang playboy
me: I forgot to put a comma there
jeffreymax: yeah right
me: haaaa seriously
jeffreymax: someone's looking to "do my thang"
me: oh this is gonna be my second post
Doesn't Bill look like Ray Charles mixed with Bert from Sesame Street in this picture?
I was gonna simply call this post project fights but then I wrote Teens Yell The Craziest Shit and it's kinda like Kid's Say The Darnest Things so thats why I did that. I'm cool.
Project fights are events. Fuck Floyd Mayweather, people here in the projects love drama. I know, all I have to do is look outside my window and see this fight that's going on. The only thing missing is the expensive, extra salty stale popcorn. The popcorn that is extra salty just because they want to disguise it's staleness. Fights in the projects make people hype. Kids test out the swear words they learned from the older kids and talk shit about the combatants as if they weigh 220 lb's and train like Rocky did in Russia. And if you lose, these kids will talk shit about you to the point where you will shed at least one Indian tear (you know, the tear that the Indian sheds when he sees a Frito Lay bag land on mother earth or something like that).
It's not like living in public housing is enough. We make shit even harder for ourselves. There is no Don King involved in these fights but we all get shafted. Hold on, I am getting too soapbox preachy. To change the subject back to nonsense, I also saw a Domino's delivery guy do his job while this fight took place. Actually it is still taking place. It's like a marathon fight session or something. There should be a concessions stand or a guy stating that he has peanuts using his outside voice, in fact that is what I will do. I will sell shit during these fights. Actually, I won't, I just thought that sounded good.
But during these fights it's just brutal. Kids want to be bad asses. I know, I was a teenager once. Like last year, I was a teenager. But anyway, these teens yell the craziest shit, start these brawls for the smallest of things. I should know, I am only a year removed from my teens. And we all know that once you turn 20 that your blood is vaccinated by the heavens and the teen gene is removed.
Wow! Someone must have scored a money shot and made someone leak, because the roar of the crowd outside just got deafening. This I bet is one of those fights where you can see what Joe Boxers the fighters are wearing. And if they are fat you can see their stretch marks and shit because their shirts are being pulled up by wild punches and grabs. It sounds like they are fighting in the playground. They are probably slamming each other into the wood chips.
OK, it seems to have died down. This is where they either tend to the wounds they suffered or they play it off because friends are around or they have so much adrenaline coursing through their bodies that they can't feel the pain. They might be putting that red shit that your mom used for your cuts on their booboo's. Losing a fight in the projects sucks, really, it sucks. We don't listen to country music here in the projects. We listen to music that leads you to believe that no rappers have ever lost a fight in their lives. With that said, these rappers dictate our behaviors a lot. When Eminem came out people said that he negatively influenced the young people of America. Maybe he did back then, but what I know now is that rappers nowadays do influence these teenagers and kids. Not every kid, but some.
The projects mixed with rap music created a culture where you better be Chuck Norris in a white tee if you want respect. We don't talk it out here. I didn't talk it out either. I am not innocent, I wanted to be as bad ass as the next kid. Maybe there will be a part 2, to this post. I just squeezed every bit of humor out of it though when I started talking about rappers, so I guess I should end it here.
Oh also, I never told you the crazy shit that these teens say. I won't. It's crazy, believe me. How's that for a cliffhanger? *off to go think of crazy shit that might have been said to cover my ass because the yells were inaudible*